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These are all sentences I heard in the past couple of weeks at parties, pubs and over lunch. Every single person I've dated has taught me things about culture, class, aesthetics and the viscosity of bodily fluids without even having to get out of bed, let alone fly to another country in a tiny, orange fartbox at 39, feet. We talk about your dick, we talk about what kind of dick our friends have been getting, and we talk about every other dick we've ever seen in our life, anywhere. Frankly, some of you could use a little more curiosity in that department, too. Unfortunately, you're just going to have to hear about that ex and their weird penchant for licking my ass but never my pussy, too.

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I had no idea what a handjob was until my best friend's dad died.

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I had no idea what a handjob was until my best friend's dad died. My friend broke up with her boyfriend the other day because of a butt dial. Unfortunately, you're just going to have to hear about that ex and their weird penchant for licking my ass but never my pussy, too. That includes the girl who took me on a tour of France's Michelin star restaurants, the guy who gave me warts, the dude who broke up with me when we were 13 'cause he wanted to try to finger my friend, the man I dated for half my life and all the babes I fucked in between.

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2 COMMENTS

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